


God Knows

by bujuui



Category: VIXX
Genre: Angst, Drug Use, Fluff, M/M, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-05
Updated: 2015-08-04
Packaged: 2018-04-13 01:09:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4502007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bujuui/pseuds/bujuui
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Han Sanghyuk has fallen in love, and there's no place he'd rather be than in Ken's arms. Until the day he's ripped out of his grip. Hyuk tries to get through his senior year day by day, and he's all alone. Until the day he meets Lee Hongbin.</p>
            </blockquote>





	God Knows

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first chapter and many more will follow. Written for my friend and is being posted here chapter by chapter until it's done to send to her. Title inspired by the song "God Knows" By Aya Hirano. Chapter titles will probably be of lyrics. My first work here on AO3. Open to criticism.

Hyuk knew he was weird. He knew he was a bit off from everyone else. He’d always known. Even if he didn’t, he would have found out since everyone was always telling him. They didn’t tell him anymore though. They weren't in middle school now. No one ever picked on him, it wasn’t like that. More like, he was ‘the weird kid when they were younger so now no one really talks to him’ kind of person. No one was mean to him, but no one really talked to him either. He had friends. Or rather, he had a friend. One was enough for Hyuk and he was always grateful for the miracle that was his best friend: Ken. Ken was almost the opposite of Hyuk. He was well liked by most people, had a lot of girls that whispered about him and even some guys. Ken was the reason Hyuk was never lonely. Because Ken would always drag him to the parties he was invited to, the after school hangouts at the basketball court, even the ones that were obviously meant for people like Ken and not people like Hyuk. But no one ever said no, because if they did Hyuk would have to leave, and that meant Ken would leave too.

On more than one occasion, Hyuk had spoken to Ken about their friendship. How ‘you should just stop talking to me, I’m making you seem like a loser’ or ‘when people see you hanging out with me, what are they going to think when we get into high school?’. But Ken would always laugh, tell Hyuk he needed to get his head checked. ‘It didn’t matter’, Ken had told him, because ‘I’d rather have no friends at all than have friends that aren’t you’. Hyuk would give up trying to persuade Ken to leave him alone, but once in a while he’d bring it up again. Today was one of those days.

It was after class and the third week of school as juniors. They were running around the track in the bright afternoon sun that was shining on a rather cloudy day, giving them a chilly but bright atmosphere. Ken had told Hyuk they needed to practice for the track team. Ken wanted Hyuk to join so he could talk to more people, and Ken had joined last year. Hyuk had agreed but not so he could find people to talk to (because let's face it, Hyuk was so used to not talking to people that he was rather uncomfortable when he had to). He agreed to make Ken happy. He’d decided long ago that to make up for Ken having to put up with him, he’d do whatever Ken wanted. Which wasn’t hard. Ken always wanted to do fun things. Like the time he’d stayed over at Hyuk’s for the first time and told Hyuk that if they crawled out the window they could see the stars better from his roof. He had been right, but they had both gotten yelled at by Hyuk’s mom. Hyuk thought it had been worth it. 

“One more lap.” Ken said as they ran side by side. Hyuk knew Ken could easily be two laps ahead of him by now, but Ken always stayed at pace with him. Which is what brought it up this time. 

“You don’t have to wait for me.” Hyuk told him between breaths.

“I’m not.”

“Yes you are.” And then Hyuk stopped running. Ken stopped too and they both ended up sitting down to catch their breaths. “Stop waiting for me, you could’ve finished with out me.”

Ken picked at a scab on his knee and looked to the sky. “I didn’t want to.” He said casually. It made Hyuk mad.

“You should want to. I’m holding you back.” Hyuk told him. It made Ken mad.

“No you’re not!” He yelled, scaring Hyuk. This was new. They never argued. The only time they ever had fights was when Hyuk started these conversations. But he’d never gotten Ken so mad that he had yelled. “Sorry.” Ken apologised as soon as he saw the look on Hyuk’s face.

“Me too.” Hyuk said. It was quiet and they both sat in the orange fading light of the sunset. This was where the fight usually ended. Usually.

“It’s just, you just always act like you think I make myself do these things. And I don’t. I want to wait for you, I want to run beside you, I want to be your friend.” Ken said, looking right at Hyuk. “Do you really believe I forced myself through several years of friendship?” He asked. Hyuk didn’t know if he had to answer, so he looked down and silently picked at the rubbery surface of the track. “Hyuk.”

Hyuk looked up. “Yeah?”

“I didn’t force myself to. You know that, don’t you?”

“Yeah.” Hyuk said. And suddenly he decided to get this out of the way. “I know. But I’m holding you back. You could go further without me.” He told Ken, pointing at track. He was talking about running but they both knew Hyuk meant outside of track too.

“You don’t get it.”

“Get what?”

“I like you.”

“What?” Hyuk asked, but not because he didn’t hear Ken.

“I said I like you.”

And ever since that day, Hyuk and Ken weren’t friends anymore. And they began having firsts of everything. Like the first time Ken stayed the night after they stopped being friends.

“Are you sure it’s okay?” Ken asked for the third time.

“Of course. It’s not like my mom knows.” Hyuk answered his boyfriends worries. Ken smiled and they both walked into Hyuk’s house. “Mom, we’re here!”

“Oh, hey boys. Dinner's almost done, I’ll call you when it is.” She told them with a smile as they both walked up the stairs and into Hyuk’s room. Ken liked staying over here. Hyuk had a big room. His favorite spot was the bed though. The navy blue covers over the black sheet reminded him of the ocean after dark. And they seemed to be just that as dark came and the two boys slipped into the waves to go to bed that night.

Dinner had been quick and then they’d ran back upstairs to play video games. When Hyuk’s mom had knocked on the door to tell them to go to bed, they didn’t waste any time. Hyuk watched Ken slip out of his jeans to sleep in his usual shirt and boxers, and this was a sight Hyuk had seen a million times before; but this was the first time he was seeing it while they weren’t friends anymore. He felt nervous as Ken slid under the blanket and Hyuk quickly turned out the light before he undressed as well. So that Ken wouldn’t watch him, and also to hide the blush he felt on his cheeks. 

“Are you getting in?” Ken asked from the bed. Hyuk mumbled yes and laid on the bed, as far away from the other as the queen sized bed would allow him. He didn’t even get into the covers. He just laid with his back to Ken and tried to calm his heart and mind. It seemed that after a while, and after Hyuk had decided to get under the covers, Ken had fallen asleep. Hyuk smiled and moved closer. And closer. Until he was right beside Ken. He watched him like that before he noticed Ken wasn’t snoring. Ken always snored. And before Hyuk could go back to his side of the bed, Ken opened his eyes and pulled Hyuk back to him, making Hyuk blush and giggle and wow; was his heart tingling? “Hi.” Ken whispered. Yeah, it was.

“Hi.” Hyuk said, grinning.

“Were you watching me sleep?”

“You weren’t sleeping.” Hyuk pointed out.

“But you were watching.” Ken shot back, poking Hyuk’s side. Hyuk emitted a laugh and Ken knew this was the first time he had thought it sounded so beautiful. A sound he wouldn’t mind hearing again. He poked at Hyuk’s sides until tears of laughter were spilling over Hyuk’s slightly rosy cheeks. “You’re cute.” Ken said once he decided to stop.

“I am not.”

“Are to.”

“Whatever. You’re cuter.”

“I am?” Ken asked.

“Mhm.” Hyuk hummed, snuggling into Ken’s chest.

He fell asleep like that. With Ken’s arm around him, breathing slow and steady. This wasn’t the last time it would happen. Sleep overs became a regular thing between the two. Hyuk’s mom more than happy to let Ken stay. Happily giving Hyuk an extra pillow and blanket, not knowing they would be left unused on the floor. 

It wasn’t until a few months later that anything new happened. It didn’t seem like a night where anything different was going on, Hyuk was laying in Ken’s arms and he was just drifting off when Ken whispered his name.

“Hyuk?”

“Mmm?”

“Let’s go on the roof.”

Hyuk hadn't done that since the last time Ken had asked him to. That was when they were just friends. Hyuk smiled at Ken. He liked when he got to mentally note whenever they were doing things for the ‘first’ time. 

 

“Okay.”

Ken slid the window open, the almost-summer wind blowing warm tuffs of air into the room. Hyuk climbed out first, Ken right behind him. They sat down and Hyuk noticed Ken sitting closer than the last time they’d sat up here. So much had changed since then. Well, school was the same, he didn’t talk to many people still, but knowing so much had changed between him and Ken; it made him smile. 

They sat for about five minutes before anyone spoke. Ken broke the silence. 

“I’m graduating this year.” He said, looking to the stars like he was spilling his secrets to them. 

“Yeah, I know. I’m excited for you!” Hyuk smiled at Ken. And it was true, Hyuk was really looking forward to watching the celebration take place. He’d never gone to someone else's graduation before. “Do I have to wear a suit when I come, or are jeans fine?” 

Ken didn’t answer right away, he kind of just gave Hyuk a small smile before turning back to the sky. “I mean, you should listen to everything I have to say before you decided to come. I wouldn’t blame you if you changed your mind after this.”

Hyuk tried to read Ken’s expression but it was dark out, the moon not bright enough to give any help. He sat and waited for Ken to continue. 

“I’m graduating this year,” He repeated. “You’ll be a senior. I’m going to be … leaving. I have to go to college, in Taiwan. We should split up before I leave.” Ken said, his head still upwards. Hyuk felt his hands go cold despite the warmth blowing all around them. He watched Ken, waiting for something else. He hoped Ken wasn’t talking to him, that the reason he wasn’t looking at his face was because he was talking to the stars, that his words weren't meant for him. When Ken did look away from the sky, Hyuk wished he hadn’t. Ken’s dark solid eyes told him his words were for Hyuk. 

He didn’t know he was crying until he felt a hot tear fall onto his hand. Ken looked away again and Hyuk sucked in a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding. “Why?” 

“I have to.”

“No, why did you do this then?” Hyuk asked. Another tear fell and Hyuk felt his heart speeding up.

“Do what?”

“This!” Hyuk yelled, pointing at Ken and then himself. “If you were just going to leave then, then why?” Hyuk continued yelling. Maybe he should stop before his mom come out. Hyuk was almost wishing she would.

“I know, it was selfish. But I wanted to tell you how I felt before I left. You know, get my feelings out of the way. I didn’t know it’d turn into this.” Ken said. Hyuk sucked in more air, ready to yell again, but his heart felt heavy and it came out a whisper instead.

“Why?”

“I just told you Hyuk, I’m sorry.”

“Why?”

“Hyuk, I’m leaving.” Ken said, standing up. Hyuk wanted to yell stop, or even reach out an arm, but his heart was a brick; holding him down. He watched Ken go back inside and then watched Ken get into his car. He drove off without waving, not that Hyuk thought he was going to. 

He sat on the roof and cried. He sobbed into his shirt, he knew he probably looked gross. He didn’t care. He still didn’t know why. Why had Ken started this when he knew it was going to end? Sure, Ken got something out of it, he’d gotten Hyuk; for a little while anyways. But Hyuk hadn’t gotten anything. Nothing he could think of. He had gotten a broken heart and shirt full of tear stains, but Hyuk didn’t want those things. He wanted Ken. Hyuk knew Ken was graduating, he had just thought that instead of breaking up, they would stay together. Ken would find a place and Hyuk would stay over night there instead of at his house. They’d be together until Hyuk graduated, then they could buy a house, get jobs, live; together. He wished the black night would swallow him whole so he could disappear, just like Ken had left.

He cried a bit longer before going back inside. He threw on a pair of headphones to drown out any thoughts, not really needing them since he fell asleep almost instantly. Hyuk hoped he would wake up with Ken’s arms wrapped around him.


End file.
